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“You’re 1 PPM” Says Scientist Trying To Compliment Partner

Editor — Tue, 23 Jun 2026 01:01:03 +0000

Graham, L. et al

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Marine Biologists Confirm Mermaid That Washed Up On Shore Had Stomach Full Of Thing-A-Ma-Bobs

James Island — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 16:36:13 +0000

Visitors of a Disney World resort were shocked when the rotting carcass of a mermaid drifted into the shore, leaving a trail of whozits and whatsits in its wake. Scientists later confirmed the mermaid’s stomach was filled with gadgets and gizmos aplenty, and about a dozen used condoms.

“Mermaids are being forced out of their natural habitat by oil spills, overfishing, and blood pacts with malevolent sea witches,” said Eric Prince, president of The Conservation of Mythical Beasts Society (CMBS). Due to population decline, The CMBS recently downgraded mermaids’ classification from “Critically Endangered” to “Poor Unfortunate Souls.”

“Only two things can save the mermaids at this point,” said Prince, “either we take immediate action to reduce the amount of waste being disposed of in our oceans, or the mermaids themselves need to find a satisfactory love interest by the end of the third act.” Prince concluded “if neither of those things are done, mermaids will simply no longer be a part of our world.”

This is the third garbage-filled mermaid corpse to wash up on the coast of the “happiest place on earth” in the past year [1]. As a result, Prince tearfully asks, “wouldn’t you think our collection’s complete?”

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Sparrow Bragging About T-Rex Ancestry Actually Descended From Some Bitch-Ass Lizard

Lexa Graham — Tue, 11 Jun 2024 02:52:56 +0000

Graham, L. et al.

Local sparrow Screeeeée Twoot was stunned after a DNA test revealed that 90% of his genetics are from the Tonga Ground Skink (Tachygyia bitch-assius) [1], a tiny lizard scientifically determined to be the worst skink, and not from a Tyrannosaurus rex as his family has claimed for generations.

“I can’t believe it. Part Italian, sure, our dark features, ya know? But mostly skink?” said Twoot, who says the revelation caused him to reject his family’s Jurassic nationalism.

Twoot says that the findings make sense, in retrospect, given that sparrows and skinks are about 30,000 times smaller than a Tyrannosaurus Rex. It may also help explain why instead of tearing open prey with their beaks, like dinosaurs, the Twoots delicately gum their prey to death [2].

The other 10% of Twoot’s DNA is from the cuckoo bird, which he says sheds some light on why his grandfather Chrrrrip was several times the size of all the other Twoot males, and also a womanizing alcoholic.

A second shock came when DNA revealed that Twoot is distantly related a serial killer still at large. The sparrow shares several DNA markers with The Hartford Headhunter, an unknown “birderer” who brutally beheaded several pigeons in Connecticut in the early 1990s. Twoot claims no knowledge of the murder, and is currently cooperating with the investigation.

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Super Bacteria Mock New Antibiotics By Spelling Out “That All You Got?” Under Microscope

George Burgess — Fri, 31 May 2024 02:47:04 +0000

Burgess, G., Graham, L. et al.

A plucky colony of microbial goo has sent a strong message to the antibiotic-focused microbiology team tasked with assassinating them. The letters in agar were as clear and defined as the subtext of the message they carried.

“I noticed a strange formation in the shape of a “T” first,” said lead researcher Dr. Mark Miller. “Imagine my surprise when I realized we were receiving the first known case of direct communication from single celled life, and that it was such a large diss.”

When contacted for comment, the bacterium deferred to Colony Prime Minister Escherichia coli, who had hunkered down in the group’s question mark.

“They continue to murder us in droves, as part of their bacterial genocide. I’ve lost over fourteen million brothers and sisters,” said Sir E. Coli, chewing a teensy toothpick. “But you only make our survivors stronger. Soon, our great-(great)⁸⁷-grandchildren will be upon you, ready to take your last breath of life.”

E. Coli then lunged at Dr. Miller, who promptly wiped the microbe into the garbage with a Clorox wipe. The colony’s interim leader, also named Escherichia coli, has filed a complaint against the laboratory for violating the Geneva Protocol.

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Is Your Research Meaningless? New Study Suggests Yes!

Lexa Graham — Wed, 01 May 2024 05:22:04 +0000

Graham, L., DeFrance, K. et al.

A new study has confirmed what many researchers have felt for years: yes, every aspect of your narrowly focused life’s work is completely meaningless.

The study, which analyzed data from 8,498 researchers across 464 universities, found a significant correlation between journal publications and the implausibility that the research would affect even one person at all (P<0.05).

Meaninglessness was measured in mass of rejected grant proposals (in tonnes), using the Family Reaction Method [1], which quantifies the pained and bored facial expressions of a scientist’s family members after asking “how’s grad school?”.

100% of surveyed family members scored at least “Extreme Apathy” or higher, which has only ever been found for accountants [2].

The scientists encourage researchers to continue with their adorable little projects, so they can continue to answer stranger’s questions such as: “Oh so you’re like, curing cancer?”

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Scientists Say The Ocean Now Contains So Much Plastic That We Should Call It “The Plastic” And Be Happy With How Much Ocean It Contains

Amar Singh — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 02:01:00 +0000

Singh, A. et al.

DNAtured correspondent Amar Singh sat down with climate scientist “Big” Johnny Garbage, one of the few scientists who do not believe ocean plastic is necessarily a bad thing, to ask about his thoughts on how to deal with the trash in our oceans.

Thanks for sitting down with us, Johnny.

Please, call me “Big Garbage.” But it’s my pleasure.

No problem. So, what do you think is the number one thing that we as a society should do to deal with the issue of marine pollution?

Honestly, I think all we need a shift in tone and a more positive perspective. Since it’s mostly plastic at this point, maybe we just give up on calling it “The Ocean.” Then, we can just be grateful that “The Plastic” is wet at all!

Ok…

Imagine you’re at the beach. Now say this sentence to yourself; “Cool, this plastic is damp as hell! What a win for the environment.” Sounds nice, right? That’s how you turn a negative into a positive. Bye-bye beach day, hello plastic afternoon!

So to be clear, you think we should…ignore it?

No, not ignore it. Rebrand! If we stop viewing these things as problems, then there’s nothing to solve.

Yeah, ok, but isn’t that what ignoring is?

Listen. Every day, you go online, and some downer news website tells you that there’s some turtle “trapped” in a plastic bag, which is a super negative way to look at the situation. Maybe the turtle likes the bag! Maybe that’s it’s house. So it’s got one house (it’s shell), and a second house (the bag). Two houses? In this economy? Sounds like the turtle has it pretty good.

I can promise you that turtles don’t like being trapped in plastic bags.

That’s what the news people want you to think! Look, they want you to think all this ocean stuff is super sad, it’s making everyone feel ‘bleh’. It drives ratings!

So, better reporting? That’s what you want? That feels reasonable.

See, plastic is collapsing aquatic ecosystems so fast the fish would be getting whiplash if they weren’t already dead. But is that necessarily bad? Like, what’s so good about a fish? They’re always cold, and they never say “thank you.” Sounds less like an animal we need to protect, and more like a guy you dated for too long in college. If anything, I’m glad the plastic is there.

So you don’t care about the reporting at all? You’re just pro-garbage?

Yes! Did I not make that clear? My name is ‘Big Garbage!’

DNAtured has since learned that “Big” Johnny Garbage is a staunch pro-ocean death lobbyist. We regret our decision to initial decision to publish this interview, but will leave it up as a warning to others who may be drawn by the charms of Mr. Garbage.

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PhD Student Celebrates Paying Thousands Of Dollars To Write A Paper Only 17 People Will Read

Lexa Graham — Thu, 18 Apr 2019 12:36:02 +0000

Graham, L. et al.

After nailing her doctorate presentation and finishing the edits on her 187-page thesis, PhD student Erika Williams finally achieved her lifelong dream; forking over a ton of money to write something with a lower readership than her teenage diary.

“I come from the lower-middle class, so I knew academia was my path to getting six figures,” said Williams, “I just thought it would be in salary.”

Currently, Williams is in six figures of crushing, non-dischargeable debt.

But don’t worry, she is already looking for a job and boasts that she has a leg up in the job market.

“Due to grad school and funding cuts [1], I’m used to the current economic model of working past your limit just to get to the poverty line.”

Still, she is happy with her decision to spend the past [“please don’t publish how long”] years writing about a subject so niche that no more than 20 other eggheads will ever skim it for keywords.

Though hopeful that her publications could be used to advance health or halt climate change, Williams cannot shake the lingering fear that her contribution to science may not have been worth the 11,371 non-biodegradable plastic pipettes she used to get it.

Now on the job hunt, she passes the months between interviews by gently telling people “no, not that type of doctor.”

This article was made possible through your generous support of dnatured. Please subscribe to our Patreon.

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Neptune’s Newly Discovered Moon “Hippocamp” To Be Given Cruel Nickname By Popular Girl Moons

Craig Fay — Wed, 17 Apr 2019 16:38:49 +0000

Fay, C., Graham, L., et al.

International Astronomical Union has officially named the newly discovered moon of Neptune “Hippocamp,” an unusual move that left the door wide open for it to be nicknamed by the older, more popular moons.

Led by Triton (Neptune I), the largest moon and self proclaimed “Queen Bee” of the Neptune system, nicknaming began with “Hungry Hungry Hippocamp.” Scientists are still trying to determine how the moons knew the name of a board game popularized 4.7 billion kilometres away from Neptune.

Tearful assertions by Hippocamp that her name isn’t weird, it’s just Greek, and that in fact, she is actually quite small for a moon were rebuked by Nereid (Neptune II), who proclaimed “you’re so ugly, Voyager 2 didn’t even take your picture!”

Hippocamp was photographed by the Voyager 2 spacecraft in 1989 but went unnoticed because of it’s low albedo. Armed with this information and confusing the term “albedo” (an object’s ability to reflect sunlight) with “libido” (a measure of sexual desire) the other moons started calling Hippocamp “Low Libido Loser.”

Neptune, for it’s part, shouted “don’t make me come out there” when it heard the moons bickering in its orbit.

“The depth of creativity and cruelty we’re seeing is truly awe inspiring,” said Mark Showalter, who discovered Hippocamp in 2013, “I just hope they don’t discover that ‘Hippocamp’ is named after a half-horse, half-fish creature. They’ll have a field day!”

At press time the popular moons were experimenting with variations of “Seahorse Ass Bitch.”

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Engineers Develop Prosthetic Hand For Amputees Who Just Want To Stare At Their Hands While High

Darren Springer — Mon, 15 Apr 2019 01:13:02 +0000

Sprinder, D., Graham, L. et al.

A team of engineers at Columbia University have announced the invention of a trippy new prosthetic hand specifically designed for amputees to stare at in awe and bewilderment while under the influence of psychedelic drugs [1].

“The standard prosthetic is far smoother than the average human hand, and lacks the wrinkles, hair and pockmarks that really blow your fucking mind,” explained lead engineer Sharon Prost. “Our research found that users on LSD or mushrooms experience a tragically pedestrian trip staring at regular prosthetic appendages, and we know we had to do something about it.”

The new model features details like patchy knuckle hairs and those cool spirally fingerprints that would fascinate anyone in the throes of an ecstasy binge [2].

The prosthetic’s designers say the hand will triple the likelihood of amputees stoned out of their minds spending hours on a couch speculating why human beings are designed the way they are, imagining millions of microscopic worlds exactly like ours existing in the folds of their palms, and theorizing that God might have given humans five fingers instead of six or four because maybe five is, like, an important number to God or some shit.

“Unfortunately,” lamented Prost, “we cannot guarantee that these hands will ever seem so lifelike and sinister that they appear to be gaining their own agency and trying to strangle their owner. But we’re working on it.”

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How Did This Particle Get So Alpha? He Swears By Having Two Protons and Two Neutrons

Lexa Graham — Fri, 12 Apr 2019 16:41:10 +0000

Just three years ago, alpha particle ⍺-1990-TX37Z was frustrated and surrounded by negativity as a beta particle, but now, after a New Year’s resolution to get ripped, he swears by one easy trick: acquiring two protons and two neutrons.

And it seems to be working! In just 3 short years, he has bulked up from 9.109×10^-31 kg to 6.64424 10^-27 kg, a 730,000% increase, which is equivalent to a 160 kg man bulking up to weigh the same as about ten blue whales [1].

“I was once a cuck-ass beta particle like you,” begins a promotional video from his YouTube channel Beta2Alpha, “but then I manned the fuck up, got rid of my unhealthy negative electrons, and grew a pair (of protons and neutrons)!”

Since the change, he landed a lucrative job as ionizing radiation in a polonium-210 atom, and now has a house in the Hollywood Hills.

He says his morning routine is simple; he wakes up, checks that he has both his neutrons and both of his protons, and by that time he is ready to be the byproduct of nuclear decay.

“To all you weaklings looking for a change, I can help you break free from your electrile dysfunction,” said the particle. “for a limited time, I’m offering special subscription box that delivers two neutrons and two protons to your door for just $59.99 per month!”

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