How Did This Particle Get So Alpha? He Swears By Having Two Protons and Two Neutrons

Just three years ago, alpha particle ⍺-1990-TX37Z was frustrated and surrounded by negativity as a beta particle, but now, after a New Year’s resolution to get ripped, he swears by one easy trick: acquiring two protons and two neutrons.

And it seems to be working! In just 3 short years, he has bulked up from 9.109×10-31 kg to 6.64424 10-27 kg, a 730,000% increase, which is equivalent to a 160 kg man bulking up to weigh the same as about ten blue whales [1].

“I was once a cuck-ass beta particle like you,” begins a promotional video from his YouTube channel Beta2Alpha, “but then I manned the fuck up, got rid of my unhealthy negative electrons, and grew a pair (of protons and neutrons)!”

Since the change, he landed a lucrative job as ionizing radiation in a polonium-210 atom, and now has a house in the Hollywood Hills.

He says his morning routine is simple; he wakes up, checks that he has both his neutrons and both of his protons, and by that time he is ready to be the byproduct of nuclear decay.

“To all you weaklings looking for a change, I can help you break free from your electrile dysfunction,” said the particle. “for a limited time, I’m offering special subscription box that delivers two neutrons and two protons to your door for just $59.99 per month!”

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About Author

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of dnatured. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering.

About Lexa Graham 51 Articles
Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of dnatured. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering.