Global Warming Yet to Reach Center of Microwaved Lasagna

Taro, K. et al

Climate change is responsible for melting ice caps, rising sea levels, raging wildfires, and more. However, there is one place global warming hasn’t staked a claim yet: the center of a frozen, microwavable lasagna.  

“I love the lasagna that Regis Foods makes. Once it warms up enough to eat, that is,” said Darrell Weaver, a frozen food connoisseur. “On the box, it says there are only seven layers. I swear there are at least a thousand from how long it takes to heat up, though.” 

“On the bright side, I’ve always managed to get a lot done while waiting for the lasagna to heat up in the microwave,” continued Weaver. “I’ve washed dishes, cleaned my room, and even went to London for a week once. By the time I got back, I only had to wait 90 more seconds. But then, when I finally thought it was ready to eat, it was now TOO hot. I had to wait for it to cool down again. If that’s not evidence of climate change, I don’t know what is.” 

This phenomenon has even baffled scientists. 

“Honestly, I can’t explain it,” said physicist Dr. Priyal Bhandari. “I’ve published 43 papers about thermodynamics, but I still have no idea why it takes so long to microwave lasagna,” said Dr. Bhandari. “A nanosecond can make the difference between perfect and ruined. I have run countless experiments with the best scientists from around the world. To be honest, I’m not even close. I would be more confident solving the Riemann hypothesis, as absurd as that sounds.” 

An official statement by Regis Foods did not shine light on the mystery either. 

“At this time, our research team has not offered an explanation for such stubborn temperature resistance in our microwavable lasagna,” said Shashanka Walters, a spokesperson for Regis Foods. “The company has been weighing options about how to combat this issue. One option is to make a lasagna that only has one layer. Essentially, it would just be a single noodle. Other than that, the best we can do is to tell our customers to hope and pray.” 

At the time of publication, the lasagna Weaver put in the microwave yesterday still hasn’t finished heating up.

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About Author

Ken Taro

Ken Taro is a writer, satirist, and humorist living in Columbus, OH. You can find his work in The Hard Times, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and The Lunar Times.

About Ken Taro 2 Articles
Ken Taro is a writer, satirist, and humorist living in Columbus, OH. You can find his work in The Hard Times, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and The Lunar Times.