After slamming his pint glass on the table, inebriated scientist Doug Mossman concluded his 10 beer study and announced his groundbreaking conclusion that “you’re not friggin’ better than me, punk!”
Dr. Mossman, who was placed on administrative leave earlier this year following repeated incidents of disorderly conduct, loudly cited factors such as your dumb haircut, your piss-poor attitude and the way you’re running your mouth all the time .
“That’s what yer goddamn problem is. You think yer bedder than me!” yelled Dr. Mossman at you, across the bar. Mossman’s hypothesis, according to his increasingly incoherent ramblings, seems to be primarily based on the smug look on your face.
Peer reaction to this groundbreaking study was decidedly mixed. Reviewers 1 and 2, Mossman’s bar-mates Rusty and Burt, supported his findings, shouting “you tell ‘em, dude!” and “ohhh!”
Bartender Denise Walton, the notoriously Reviewer 3, remained skeptical, writing “Dr. Mossman’s 32-minute thesis provided no definitive evidence of his main claim.”
“While some of his data, such as your dumb haircut, does stand stand up to scrutiny,” noted Walton, “much of this study is rooted in Doug’s confirmation bias that young people from out of town are up to no good.”
Mr. Mossman stood up for his study, and issued a dire warning for those who did not heed his findings. “Just wait and see, bud. Wait and friggin’ see.”
As of press time, Doug fell over while trying to follow you to the parking lot.