University Sells Math Department to Fund Football Team Luncheon

Lazovich, T. et al.

The University of Idaho’s annual Football Appreciation Jamboree was extra special this year thanks to university president Joe Smechik, who announced that the school’s Department of Mathematics had been sold to local pharmaceutical corporation HealthCorp in exchange for the party’s prizes, awards, and several dozen finger sandwiches.

“We are here to honor your magnificent achievements on the field today,” said Smechik to the football players, who won just one game this season. “And thanks to our generous partners, HealthCorp, each one of you will go home with a 24K gold-plated iPad and a new 2020 Corvette emblazoned with Russet, our great Fighting Potatoes mascot.”

Dr. Katherine Neymar, the former head of the mathematics department, refused to comment for this story and instead referred us to the HealthCorp Press Office. In an e-mailed statement, HealthCorp expressed their gratitude to the university for allowing them to acquire such an academically productive branch of their school, including two Fields Medalists and a Turing Award winner.

They have since renamed the group of 150 mathematicians the “pharmathology” department, and hope that the acquisition will translate into an increased value for shareholders.

When reached for comment, the university spokesperson released the following statement:

“Our athletic program is a diverse and active part of our student community. We felt that acknowledging their contribution to the school was worth sacrificing a small portion of our academic program. We trust that the undergraduate math students will continue their practice of learning calculus from MIT YouTube videos, and we wish HealthCorp’s pharmathologists the best in all their future endeavors.”

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About Author

Tomo Lazovich

Tomo Lazovich is a research scientist by day and comedy writer and performer by night. His work has appeared online at McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Robot Butt. He also writes a monthly satirical column for Funny-ish called Our Dystopian Future. He regularly performs improv and sketch comedy in the Boston area and has studied satire writing with The Second City.

About Tomo Lazovich 5 Articles
Tomo Lazovich is a research scientist by day and comedy writer and performer by night. His work has appeared online at McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Robot Butt. He also writes a monthly satirical column for Funny-ish called Our Dystopian Future. He regularly performs improv and sketch comedy in the Boston area and has studied satire writing with The Second City.