Bold New Doctoral Program Revealed To Be Two Masters’ Programs In A Trench Coat

Carl, J. et al

Several graduate students at a local university were shocked last week when they discovered that their prestigious new doctoral program was actually just 2 masters’ programs in a trench coat.

One student, Mary Tonningsly, currently in her 4th year of the program, said she only realized the warning signs in hindsight. “I should have been tipped off by the coursework that seemed a bit repetitive in the 3rd year,” said Tonningsly, who took three courses with the same textbook. “But the dead giveaway came when the Program Director tripped during a lab walkthrough, and two advisors fell out separately from their lab coat.” 

Though initially disappointed, Tonningsly has pledged to treat this as a learning experience, and hopes to publish some of the findings from her discovery. 

“We have stumbled upon an entire new field of inquiry; exactly how many masters’ programs can fit inside a giant trench coat?” asked Tonningsly.

“Of course, in science every answer leads to more questions,” said Tonningsly. “Is there an inflection point where the density of masters’ degrees reach a critical mass and become a doctoral degree? Will I ever have enough credentials that my parents are no longer disappointed in me? It’s questions like these that drove me to academia in the first place.”

A spokesperson for the university explained that the program was not intended to be manipulative. 

“Our college itself was originally several smaller schools that merged together to enable greater financial stability. We noticed several masters’ programs that were underperforming financially and we had several leftover trench coats from a musical based on Dick Tracy, it just seemed a natural fit.”

When pressed on the matter the spokesperson denied any legal culpability on the part of the university, and when pressed physically the spokesperson quavered, then began to tremble all over before bursting apart into 37 squirrels.

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Jimmy Carl

Jimmy Carl is a freelance comedian, scientist, and writer.

About Jimmy Carl 3 Articles
Jimmy Carl is a freelance comedian, scientist, and writer.