Hebbar, S. et al
After successfully sabotaging every single experiment set up by hardworking grad students, lab rat Mojo Jojo recently published a guidebook on how to make your grad student miserable.
The guidebook has quickly risen in popularity all over the nation’s top research labs, outclassing even last year’s thriller, Drosophila Megalodisaster, so get your paws, claws or flagella on one today!
Practice abstinence when instructed to mate
One crucial experiment creepy grad students love to perform with lab animals is dictating when and who we mate with. Sure, they do put a lot of effort in creating the right mood for us to mate, but why obey someone who has to eat Ramen noodles for every meal? When expected to mate, lock yourself in your bedding and nap instead. Trust me, when you see grad students cry, it will all be worth it.
Party hard and leave a mess
Every grad student is obsessed with ensuring our growth plates, cages or bottles are perpetually clean. Thus, on a weekend when the student is away from the lab, throw mind blowing interspecies raves. Invite the slimiest fungi, crawling mites and leave the grossest most disgusting contamination on the plates.
Be camera shy
I mean do I even have to spell this out? How creepy is it when they take our pictures while we eat, poop, sleep or procreate? For some strange reason, our photographs are crucial for a student’s success. Ensure that their photos are ruined by doing laps around your habitat and boom – crying grad student!
Disrupt their schedule
If there’s one thing grad students hate more than failed experiments is having to come to lab on the weekends or holidays. They go to lengths to ensure they don’t have to deal with us on Saturday mornings when they are deeply hungover from Friday night’s partying. What can we do to make them suffer? Hold back on laying eggs or give them the impression that you will dangerously run low on food specially over the weekend.