Kaplan, J. et al
In a “Draconian show of power,” Yale University administrators meekly requested that Dr. Lawrence Cunningham, a tenured faculty member, take a paid leave of absence after setting the entire campus ablaze last night, before urinating the words “GET BENT” on the Dean’s window.
The sociology professor—who reportedly yelled “fuck the system, I’m tenured” before committing multiple acts of arson—announced plans to sue the Ivy League institution for “overstepping their boundaries” and “hindering the pure pursuit of knowledge.”
“I burned down this dump to study the social ramifications of poststructural theory during an emergent crisis,” Cunningham told reporters, visibly covered in soot and with a patch of urine on his sandal. “I can’t take a sabbatical in the middle of this groundbreaking research! The board knows this is bullshit and they will be hearing from my lawyers.”
At press time, Yale quietly announced they were reversing their decision after one surviving student protester called the administration “kinda problematic” on Twitter.