Ito, R. et al.
For decades, Earth has been the galaxy’s first port of call for intelligent lifeforms looking to satisfy their cravings for anonymous anal sex and scientist roleplay. But a recent transmission from interstellar influencer Zlantho Xer’lath suggests that this reputation is in jeopardy.
“I am so fed up with these humans who gleefully accept lab equipment in their anuses, but will fake passing out from shock when it’s time to return the favor!” exclaimed Xer’lath in the transmission, waving his scaly tentacles in exasperation. “Seriously, if you’re not down to play with my cloaca, don’t stand a field of corn in the middle of the night!”
Xer’lath says that by now, humans should know that crop circle patterns are just instructions for butt stuff.
“I know the tradition is lifeforms with fewer orifices first, but Earthlings are such selfish lovers! We do things to your butt that your species is years from discovering and what do we get in exchange? Low self-esteem from your constant screaming at our appearance. Like you never forgot to shave your phallic tube before a date!”
As Earth’s reputation for sexual prudishness increases, many are concerned it will have negative repercussions on extraterrestrial tourism to Earth. “If aliens stop coming to Earth, we might have to shut down,” said Luke Wesley, manager at the top-secret alien hookup site Area 69. “On the plus side, at least we could reopen as a government lab or something. I think Roswell is going to be hit a lot harder.”
To prevent the planet from being labeled as a shallow fuckworld, the government is reportedly recruiting a research team of millennials to go over and find any alien g-spots.