Tired Of The Pandemic? Check Out These 8 Planets That Are 100% COVID-Free

Ito, R. et al

Are you fed up with anti-COVID by-laws impeding on your right to bear your chin proudly to the world? Why not take the next logical step, and move to a completely different world altogether? Travel’s only shut down between borders on Earth, so why not get that extra twenty million you’ve been sitting on and take to the stars? Not sure which planet to relocate to? Take a look at this list of planets that totally have the pandemic under control.

Mars

Let’s start things off with a trip to our neighbour 69.3 kilometres to the North, Mars. For years, scientists have wondered how we would ruin the red planet the same way we will inevitably ruin Earth, but at least we now know it won’t be because of COVID. While there are currently no known cases of the virus yet, better hurry. Experts predict we should see the first infection in early 2021.

Venus

Venus may be inhabited by extremophile microorganisms, but it just may end up being a haven for germaphobes too. With a surface temperature of 698 Kelvin, the planet is inhospitable to the virus and all other forms of terrestrial life. Plus, with the constant volcanic activity and lightning storms, you’re going to want to spend literally all your time in quarantine anyways.

Kepler-452b

Often called Earth 2.0 or Earth’s cousin from another galaxy, Kepler-452b is said to be very similar to Earth in a number of ways that influence habitability. Best of all, there’s no known COVID cases on this planet yet! Granted there is the risk of a civilization developing directly parallel to our own, but given that it’s also five times larger than Earth, that should leave plenty of room for social distancing. 

Jupiter

If you relocate to Jupiter, you won’t need to worry about accidentally contracting COVID through contact with unclean surfaces. In fact, you don’t have to worry about surfaces in general. With super high radiation levels and a high pressure storm cell that has been raging for 360 years, you definitely won’t live long enough to catch COVID here.

Europa

If living on a big planetary body is a little out of your price range, try a moon instead. Most famous of the Jovian neighbourhoods, Europa is known for being covered in ice. This makes for a great location for fun winter activities like skating, curling and lying dormant under the frozen surface, which we’re sure is a local favorite. With infection rates at an astounding 0.0%, you won’t need a mask to keep you safe from the virus here. Just to ensure your head doesn’t freeze off. 

Cybertron

Because the planet is inhabited by a race of transforming robots, there’s absolutely no chance of catching COVID here. Granted, it’s not the most politically stable of worlds, but whether the Autobots or Decepticons are in charge you can be sure that their will be good social distancing measures in place. 

Planet of the Apes

Despite the stereotype of this planets’ residents being damn dirty apes, this planet has an excellent sanitation record after banning the throwing of fecal matter several years prior. Although evidence suggests that this is just what Earth is going to be in a few years, the planet is just a wormhole away if you can’t wait that long.

Mandalore

Setting of the popular series The Mandalorian, this planet might be a bit out of the way for those uncomfortable with leaving their home galaxy. But because the atmosphere has more or less always been hospitable, most urban centres on Mandalore have domes over them, meaning that even if COVID were to break out, lockdowns are incredibly easy to enforce. Plus, if masks really aren’t your thing, pick up an authentic Mandalorian helmet from any souvenir store to wear back home. Even traveling to a distant planet and back won’t give enough time for this pandemic to be resolved.

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About Author

Rob Ito

Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.

About Rob Ito 24 Articles
Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.