Female Mantis Worried All The Good Males Have Already Been Eaten

Ito, R. et al

An aging praying mantis is growing concerned that there are no decent mates for her to settle down with and then devour. 

“I’m already 3 months old.” The mantis told the press, after spending 5 minutes straightening her antennae. “All of my friends are either eaten or have kids by now. My relatives are getting concerned.”

According to the mantis, there are a number of obstacles in her search for a mate. “My friends say I’m too picky, but all I want is someone who takes care of himself, can do a good mating dance, and doesn’t have a weird aftertaste.”

“Things were a lot simpler in my parents’ day. Just wait until a curious child throws you in a jar with a strapping young male, then do the nasty and eat his head. Now, you don’t just have to compete with all the 3 week-olds out there, but now there are frogs who are eating more males than me!”

At press time, the mantis was reportedly stressing about finding a date for her sister’s wedding buffet.

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About Author

Rob Ito

Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.

About Rob Ito 29 Articles
Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.