Local Sharks Disappointed To Learn Beaches Weren’t Closed Because Of Them

Ito, R. et al

With beaches across the states set to reopen, one local shark is feeling crestfallen that the shutdown was caused by the COVID-19 pandemic, and not by his menacing presence.

“I mean, I know this virus has killed over three hundred thousand people, and we only average four deaths annually, but come on! Closing down the beach is our move!” said Lenny, an 11-foot bull shark, who was looking forward to people watching this summer. 

“It’s not fair, this coronavirus is tiny and doesn’t even have razor sharp teeth!” In protest, Lenny is hoping to scare people back to the beach by leading groups of sharks to the streets, in what he calls a “sharknado.”

The revelation that fear of the pandemic has overshadowed his own threat has also done a number on the shark’s self-esteem. “Is it me? Am I not scary anymore? I know I lost a few teeth in that boating accident, but getting eaten by me has still got to be scarier than dying in a hospital bed, right?”

Despite his frustration with the reasoning for the lockdown, Lenny is still looking forward to the beach reopening after people are lulled into a false sense of security. “I mean, they kept coming to beaches full of sharks, I don’t think this virus will keep them from coming here to sunburn their nips for much longer.”

In other beach news, the seagull community is petitioning the government for some stimulus garbage to be dumped while they wait for the return of beachgoers and their never-ending supply of garbage.

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About Author

Rob Ito

Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.

About Rob Ito 18 Articles
Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.