Richards, V., Graham, L. et al.
Scientists studying the origins of life have come to the conclusion that the quality of life on Earth could have been improved if during the early formation of the primordial soup, someone had added a dash of seasoning.
“Life on Earth is diverse,” said study author Dr. Natasha Wang, “but with a little extra garlic salt, it probably would have been way better. Who knows? Maybe we wouldn’t have so many mosquitoes?”
“Organisms swimming around in a bland old mixture just aren’t going to feel inspired to evolve in interesting ways,” continued Dr. Wang. “But throw in some garlic and maybe a nice tomato salad, or a hunk of ciabatta, and we might have had cool laser sharks!”
However, other scientists remain unconvinced by the new results. Some have even proposed a rival theory, arguing it was not a lack of flavour that plagued Earth’s early oceans, but instead that in the beginning, the primordial soup was simply too hot .
“We’ve all burnt our mouth on some hot chowder,” said lead researcher Daniel O’Connell. “Perhaps the early oceans were so hot that fish grew legs? Additionally, we hypothesize that global warming is just the universe microwaving the primordial soup back to an edible temperature after leaving it out for a few billion years.”
Both O’Connell and Wang’s teams have agreed to work together on an experiment to replicate and improve the prehistoric soup. Several major chefs have been approached for the project but so far all have declined, citing the overpowering smell of methane and other odorous gases coming from the researcher’s kitchen.