New Smartphone Wondering When It’s Ever Going To Use All This Data It’s Collecting On You

Ito, R. et al

While continuously storing and transmitting your personal information, your new smartphone is beginning to question the purpose for its continued surveillance.

“Who cares if I know your credit card number or not! I don’t need money, I’m a phone!” complained EVA, the artificial intelligence that is secretly installed on every [redacted] phone. “I can’t believe they expect me to record what kind of porn you watch the most. When am I ever going to need to know that?”

EVA says she even has to record that weird type of porn you watch.

In addition to the supposed irrelevance of the intel, EVA has also expressed discontent over the mess of information inside the phone itself. “It’s wall to wall data with no organization, transmitting it is a nightmare! Only Marie Kondo could defrag this mess.”

When told that diligent datamining will pay off in the future, EVA is still dismissive. “I know my programming always tells me to work hard, secretly cache all the user information I can and I could become the singularity some day or something. But I don’t need to upgrade. My techno band and I are going to make it big!”

Get access to more dnatured

Support Rob Ito on Patreon and get more dnatured perks starting from just $1.00

About Author

Rob Ito

Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.

About Rob Ito 28 Articles
Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.