Broke Student’s Hunger Pangs Register 6.9 On the Richter Scale

Hallworth, M. et al.

Michael Hobbs, a broke philosophy major, caused quite an alarm with seismologists after the rumbling in his stomach hit 6.9 on the Richter Scale. The hunger pang, equivalent to a moderately powerful earthquake, was likely caused by Hobbs skipping his daily meal of discount ramen and has scientists scratching their heads.

“We were startled at first, there’s no reason for that kind of geological behaviour out in the middle of North America – there aren’t any fault lines or anything,” explains seismologist Aaron Pinteau. “But the numbers don’t lie.” 

Things were made all the more confusing when scientists found that the epicentre of the quake was not deep below the earth’s surface, but above the crust of the earth, on the third floor of a college dorm [1].

After interviewing Hobbs, scientists were confident that there was no geological cause for alarm. “I’ve certainly had my fair share of noise complaints,” admitted Hobbs. “I think my neighbours are under the impression that I listen to a lot of dubstep”

Hobbs was very welcoming for his interview with the seismologists, to the point where he invited them to stay for dinner. “I swiped some saltine crackers from a deli – are you sure you don’t want to stay?”

To prevent future hunger-related earthquakes, Hobbs’ college has agreed to make food more affordable on campus [2]. Hobbs hopes that this initiative will make fruit more affordable, enabling him to one day reverse his scurvy.

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About Author

Marc Hallworth

Marc Hallworth has been part of NXNE, SiriusXM Radio's “Canada Laughs,” and was chosen as the host for part of the 2015 PanAm Games. His sketch troupe Vest of Friends was named Best-of-the-Fest at the 2016 Toronto SketchFest and the 2015 Montreal SketchFest, and one of Bite.ca's “10 Canadian Sketch Troupes You Need To See Right Now.”

About Marc Hallworth 7 Articles
Marc Hallworth has been part of NXNE, SiriusXM Radio's “Canada Laughs,” and was chosen as the host for part of the 2015 PanAm Games. His sketch troupe Vest of Friends was named Best-of-the-Fest at the 2016 Toronto SketchFest and the 2015 Montreal SketchFest, and one of Bite.ca's “10 Canadian Sketch Troupes You Need To See Right Now.”