Srivani, Graham, L. et al
In an incredible move by a university with a multi-billion dollar endowment fund, students entering the new semester will be paying the same fees as in previous, non-pandemic years, but instead of world-class instruction will only receive a handful of links from Khan Academy.
“We look forward to welcoming you for the fall session, and though we would love to use some of our billion dollar endowment to ease the financial burden on students, we would rather have an even bigger endowment,” said university Dean Martin Worthington.
Steve Raghunathan, a freshman whose parents had to take out a second mortgage to pay for his tuition, says the move won’t drastically alter his plans for fall since bingeing Khan Academy was his original study plan.
A university email outlined that the plan for the academic year would include allowing students on campus just long enough to provoke an outbreak that would justify sending them home permanently. The school said that in the event that student residences have to close down, they will offer students complimentary dorm room Zoom backgrounds.
“We pride ourselves on our picturesque campus, stunning libraries, and state-of-the-art laboratories, and regret that they will be completely unavailable to students despite accounting for most of our inflated tuition,” read the email.
“We advise you to stay far away from the campus. If you’re already far, please move farther,” the email concluded.
Raghunathan says that while he is disappointed that he won’t be able to make friends at school for the time being, he is excited that he can finally bring his bearded lizard to class.