Local Dog Has Eaten Enough Homework To Shit Out Viable Dissertation

Ito, R., et al

A recent analysis of the fecal leavings of Goldie, the family dog of local PhD candidate Calvin Mason, has produced an amazing discovery; a surprisingly well argued thesis paper that appears to reference previous homework assignments the golden retriever has eaten over the years.

“Damn!” Mason said, from the park where he obtained the odorous essay. “I knew that Goldie had eaten a few of my assignments over the years, but I don’t know how she managed to make this in her digestive tract. I would have never thought to compare RNA transcription with the novel 1984, but she does it brilliantly!” 

Upon further reconstruction, the paper has proven to be superior to anything Mason would’ve written himself, with far fewer spelling errors. “For a literal piece of crap, this paper is very well written. It’s even got an annotated bibliography. If I submit this as my dissertation, then it should just about make up for the points I lost on my GPA from all the assignments I had to hand in late.” 

Mason says that for editing, he simply fed Goldie her own dissertation, which he claims came out more polished. HIs supervisor agreed.

“Aside from the horrible smell, this is honestly one of the best papers I ever looked at,” said Mason’s supervisor Dr. Luanne Powell. “It’s a nice change of pace to see a paper that’s pure dog shit instead of pure bull shit. I just hope he remembers to cite Goldie as a source, or he might get hit with plagiarism charges.”

At press time, Mason was currently mixing his data points into Goldie’s food in the hopes that she would defecate a decent statistical analysis that supports his research.

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About Author

Rob Ito

Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.

About Rob Ito 20 Articles
Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.