Sunday Funday! Dangerously Alcoholic Drinks That Pair Well With Grading Hundreds Of Shitty Papers

Graham, L. et al.

As an adjunct professor or teaching assistant, most of your off-hours will be spent marking nonsensical research papers or lab reports for little to no pay. Here are a few drink specials to get you as the drunk students who wrote them!

I-don’t-even-knowjito 

π’žπ’Άπ“ƒβ€™π“‰ 𝒹𝑒𝒸𝒾𝓅𝒽𝑒𝓇 π“Žπ‘œπ“Šπ“‡ π“ˆπ“‰π“Šπ’Ήπ‘’π“ƒπ“‰β€™π“ˆ π’½π’Άπ“ƒπ’Ήπ“Œπ“‡π’Ύπ“‰π’Ύπ“ƒπ‘”? Simply mix mint leaves, discount limeade, ice and soda with forty eight parts rum and drink until the chicken scratch makes sense.

Dr. Manhattan

Be careful! Marking the papers of delusional pre-med students can be a landmine of grade grubbing and excuses. Add two parts Curaçao and a pint of tequila to a vitamin C tablet. After you bomb their GPA, add their tears as bitters. 

Long-Weekend Iced Tea

Over the holidays, it’s nice to kick back with a few hundred exams that have to be graded by yesterday. Mix every kind of alcohol you have on hand and get the pink elephant to lend you a hand.Β 

Screw-U-Driver 

Missed brunch with friends again because your grad school stipend doesn’t cover $12 mimosas and $15 avocado toast? Invite fellow TAs over and make a pitcher of screw-U-drivers! Add 1 package orange tang (all you can afford) with an entire bottle of discount vodka. Put all papers in a pile (regardless of class, year, or discipline) and mark your share.

Ampheta-Mina Colada

Uh oh you left marking to the last minute, again! Crush some adderall into a pineapple, then smash the pineapple into pulp with a coconut, then pour the mixture into your mouth and snort as much rum as you can. Don’t get distracted.

Bloody Marie Curie

Warning!!! This drink is highly toxic and only recommended for grading chemistry lab reports. Mix absinthe with Atomik vodka (with potatoes harvested from the Chernobyl exclusion zone) and pour into a hollowed out tomato (the atom). Try not to die πŸ™‚

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About Author

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.

About Lexa Graham 90 Articles
Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.