Association Of Bachelor Scientists Thrilled To Announce Discovery Of The “Fedora Borealis”

Graham, L. et al.

A group of astronomers at Johns Hopkins University, all of them “proudly single” and wearing suspenders, announced in a jubilant press conference today that they have discovered the “Fedora Borealis,” a constellation closely resembling a Bailey-brand men’s fedora.

“This is a watershed discovery and a major step forward for the field of astronomy,” enthused Dr. Steve Rawlings, while eating one of those $5 meals you can get at Loblaws that has two pieces of fried chicken and your choice of side, which in Steve’s case was potato wedges.

“Nothing can equal the thrill of finding previously undiscovered realms of our magnificent galaxy,” added fellow researcher Justin Daymond, who, according to his social media presence, has trouble finding women who aren’t intimidated by the scope of his intellect.

“It’s humbling to think that this constellation will ensure all of us researchers a sort of immortality,” added Dr. Terry Law, who has asked out every single woman working in his department and has no plans on stopping anytime soon.

The research team’s next project will reportedly involve searching for the long-rumored yet elusive star cluster, the Unframed Reservoir Dogs Poster.

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Darren Springer

Darren Springer is a writer living in Toronto who has been published in Splitsider, CBC Comedy, and bite.ca. He can also be found at darrendspringer.bandcamp.com

About Darren Springer 13 Articles
Darren Springer is a writer living in Toronto who has been published in Splitsider, CBC Comedy, and bite.ca. He can also be found at darrendspringer.bandcamp.com