Astrophysicists Find Middle-School Diary Has Most Powerful Dark Energy In Known Universe

Gasparini, A. et al.

A breakthrough discovery by a group of astronomers has confirmed not only the existence of dark energy, long theorized to account for 68% of the universe’s mass, but that most of it can be traced back to a middle-schooler’s angst-ridden diary. 

The powerful journal, long-forgotten and stashed in a dresser, contains just 10 entries, each one emanating a darker energy than the last. The energy was forged from the apparent author, a 13-year-old girl, meticulously documenting every single aspect of her life, no matter how embarrassing. Scientists say if the girl had written just one more passage, it would have caused the sudden collapse of the entire universe [1].

“We’ve long hypothesized that dark energy must be all around us, but we didn’t know it could exist so strongly in one place,” says leading astrophysicist Michelle Warner. She also revealed that upon opening the journal, the radiation of dark energy so strong that it was “physically painful to be in its presence, like the sensation of cringing at someone else’s humiliation while knowing their humiliation is somehow also your own.” Experts believe the power of its energy comes from the knowledge that the author is not you, but that it totally could have been. 

Amazingly, almost 90% of the dark energy in the known universe comes from just two passages [2]. The first, which describes the details of an 8th grade formal, features the author’s lengthy description of the floor-length jean dress she wore, how she cried in the bathroom after messing up the dance to Crank That by Soulja Boy, and a strangely emotional retelling of slow-dancing with “Anime Justin” to the song Big Green Tractor.

The most powerful source of dark energy in the journal comes from a poem entitled “When I First Saw You On Omegle.” 

The discovery has lent to new theories on the expansion of our universe as well. “We’re now almost certain that the universe’s accelerating expansion is caused by the powerful need for all matter to get as quickly away from the contents of the journal as possible.” 

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Allison Gasparini

Allison Gasparini is a science writer, a comedy writer, and a science comedy writer. Currently, you can find her being serious for science in Smore Magazine. You can find her being not-so-serious for Little Old Lady Comedy, The Belladonna, Points in Case, and more!

About Allison Gasparini 2 Articles
Allison Gasparini is a science writer, a comedy writer, and a science comedy writer. Currently, you can find her being serious for science in Smore Magazine. You can find her being not-so-serious for Little Old Lady Comedy, The Belladonna, Points in Case, and more!