40,000 Year-Old Cave Paintings Suggest Neanderthals Were Absolute Freaks In The Sheets

Dambron, R. et al

Swedish geneticist Svante Pääbo was recently awarded the Nobel Prize for his diligent work in analyzing ancient cave art with the genetic code of the Neanderthals, finding that our extinct relatives, previously thought to have little-to-no game in the B.C. dating world, were in fact sex magnets.

“As it turns out, many scientific experts were wrong about these ancient bipeds and their ability to woo and awe Homo sapiens from other parts of the world,” said Pääbo, whose in-depth analysis of a 40,000 year-old female cave finger found in Serbia next to an “uncharacteristically suggestive” cave painting Pääbo calls the “Pleistocene Kama Sutra.”

When asked for comment on his incredible achievement, Pääbo, who was overwhelmed with emotion, had this to say: “We didn’t traditionally associate Neanderthals with the Don Juans of modern day Europe, but our research and DNA sequencing has revealed a frisky link between Neanderthals and other hominins who may have been drawn to their raw sexual energy.

“We believe that on top of the artistic merit, the lewd cave drawings advertised a fun time and the finger dexterity that Neanderthals translated into other areas,” explained Pääbo.

“This exciting reveal has also led to the discovery of another previously unknown relative to us -the Denisovans from Eurasia,” said Pääbo. “Their archaic and slightly erotic finger helped make this physiological correlation possible.” 

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About Author

Rémy Dambron

Remy is a poet and satirist whose works have appeared in hilarious places like Robot Butt, Sciencerag, and RU Joking. Before launching into the highly-lucrative career of humor-writing from his kitchen table, he was an English teacher and Chef De Partie at places that likely no longer exist. He now lives in Portland with his adoring and patient wife, whose love and support help make it all possible. Someday, he hopes to publish a book or win the lottery.