Ant Preserved In Amber Mortified That Its Had Food Caught Between Its Teeth This Whole Time

Ito, R. et al

A specimen of “hell ant” that was discovered encased in amber with its jaws around a Captutoraptor Elegans is understandably self-conscious that it spent 99-million years with food trapped in its mandibles.

“God this is humiliating,” said the still-conscious ant in the lab where it is being studied. “Why didn’t someone say something? I would’ve had time to floss before that tree sap fell on me and turned to stone after millions of years.”

Since being discovered, the ant’s mortification has only increased by the studies being performed on it.

“All these humans talk about how I appear to be an evolutionary experiment and what I can teach them about development of life on Earth, but I know they’re just staring at the largely intact bug in my mouth.

If they put me under the microscope again, I will die of embarrassment, assuming I’m not dead already. This petrification stuff is weird.

The ant’s self-consciousness furthers supports a new theory that lifeforms trapped in amber were more likely to try and strike cool poses in the event of their discovery. Paleo-entomologists first put the idea forward after discovering an amber fossil that appeared to contain a dabbing spider.

The disconcerted fossil has also given rise to a new theory that the hell ant did not extinct as previously believed but were simply unable to go out in public after this individual made their whole species look gross.

At time of writing the Capturaptor being held within the ant’s jaws only known thought was whether the amber made its’ thorax look big.

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Rob Ito

Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.

About Rob Ito 24 Articles
Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.