Lazy Ant Only Carrying Two And A Half Times Its Own Weight

Conchord, F., Graham, L. et al.

While most leaf cutter ants routinely defy the laws of physics by carrying up to fifty times their own weight, sources confirmed Friday that one lazy ant was spotted carrying a single crumb of pollen, a mere two and a half times its own weight.

“We’ve done rigorous testing on this ant colony,” said researcher Barry McClintock. “This particular ant (labeled 4N118 by researchers) was able to carry our heaviest leaf piece in the lab, but out here? She always grabs the lightest specs of food and leaves the heavy lifting to the rest of the colony.”

On top of shirking her weight responsibilities, ant 4N118 was also observed to be shuffling at a speed 2 times slower than the average ant. “This lazy ass insect is a total disappointment to its species,” said McClintock, adding that she didn’t appear to feel any shame about her colossal underperformance.

Ignoring several large tasty morsels in her way, the ant slowly toddled towards the anthill with the pollen now dragging behind her. 

“What sort of an example is she setting for the ant following her? Leafcutter ants don’t even eat pollen!” said expert ant-ologist Jeremy Noals. “Apart from being lackadaisical, she is also a complete fool!” 

Tragically, it seems unlikely that 4N118 will work out her character flaws in her 3-5 week natural lifespan, and may never reach her true potential. 

At press time, sources confirmed that the trifling unindustrious six-legged failure had paused for yet another break less than a millimeter away from its hill.

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Fragnance Conchord

Fragnance Conchord is a day-time scientist pursuing comedy as a side-gig. Fragnance has written for Robotbutt, Blaffo and recently contributed to the book "Welcome To The Future Which Is Mine" by Not Elon Musk. Twitter: @FConchord

About Fragnance Conchord 5 Articles
Fragnance Conchord is a day-time scientist pursuing comedy as a side-gig. Fragnance has written for Robotbutt, Blaffo and recently contributed to the book "Welcome To The Future Which Is Mine" by Not Elon Musk. Twitter: @FConchord