Animals Worried That Zoo’s Live Streams Will Detract From Their OnlyFans Accounts

Ito, R.

A vast majority of fauna with OnlyFans accounts are worried that they will see a decline in subscribers with the rise of wildlife live streams being used in various habitats.

“How am I supposed to build a following when these zoologists are out there giving away the same things for free?” Said Speckles, a cheetah and self-described “savannah thot” living in Laikipia County, Kenya. “It was bad enough when they said I wasn’t ‘majestic’ enough to be in National Geographic, now this?”

Like many wildlife models, Speckles went to OnlyFans after the ecotourism industry left her without a source of income. “With all the safari’s getting canceled, I had to do something to keep a tree canopy over my cubs’ heads, so I thought why not sell some photos of myself online? It was either that or wait for some rich guy to die on safari so I could take his wallet.”

The decrease in profits from self-made creature content has led some animals to consider other ways to profit off their cuteness. “I filmed myself doing some tricks like I used to do back at Seaworld as a reward for my top tier donors.” Said killer whale/internet personality Chinook. “It’s something you don’t see these non-captive amateurs doing. Plus, it’s less creepy than letting scientists tag me and watch me migrating.”

Recently, there may be hope for self-promoting critters as reports of a several wildlife streams were being taken offline after parents complained about the number of animals visibly having sex on camera.

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About Author

Rob Ito

Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.

About Rob Ito 18 Articles
Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.