Protocol: How To Speak At Twice The Speed So People Will Actually Watch Your Virtual Lectures

Office, E. et al

If you’ve been noticing declining class attendance as the virtual semester wraps up, rest assured, you’re not alone. The problem is neither your content nor your bad puns. Quarantined students are extra busy; they’ve got sourdough starters to feed and monochrome puzzles to do. That said, you can’t blame your resourceful students for skipping lectures in favor of online tutorials that can be viewed at double, or even quadruple, speed. But it’s not too late to get your students back in class! With strict adherence to this training plan, we guarantee you’ll be able to speak at twice the speed before the final exam. Increased attendance or your money back!

Chug iced coffee until you feel like everyone else is in slow motion

Once it feels like caffeine is coursing through your veins at the speed of light, practice getting your 1-hour lecture down to 5 minutes or less. 

Eliminate all non-monosyllabic words from your lectures 

This will require significant time and effort if you teach a syllable dense course like Introduction to Comparative Marine Invertebrate Anatomy and Physiology, but big words are a huge time-waster! If there’s a word you really can’t avoid, A.A.A. (Acronyms Are Advised). An added perk is that now E.A.T.C.C.T.G.L.L. (Even A Toddler Can Comprehend That Graduate-Level Lecture)!! 

Cross-train to prepare for the intense cardio of speed-talking

Your lungs will need to be in peak physical condition. Every breath you take could’ve been another word crammed into that lecture. Marathon running and long-distance cycling are great, social-distancing-compliant options to help you prepare for that hour-long talk!

Embrace double speed as a lifestyle, not a hobby

We get it, it can feel awkward to speak at twice the speed while everything else in your life lags behind at normal speed. We encourage the well-rounded lecturer to ramp up the speed of all daily activities. Once you’re lecturing, grading, doing laundry, and cooking dinner for the family at turbo-speed, maybe you’ll finally have the time to make that sourdough starter, just like your students.

Good luck!

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About Author

Emma Office

Emma Office is a medical student by day and also a medical student by night, though she thinks it’d be cool to be a comedian. Her work has been published in multiple places, including her 4th grade class essay book.

About Emma Office 5 Articles
Emma Office is a medical student by day and also a medical student by night, though she thinks it’d be cool to be a comedian. Her work has been published in multiple places, including her 4th grade class essay book.