Wow! Several Videos Showed These Apples Were Bad But Then The Apple Union Was Like, “Nuh Uh,” And Now The Apples Are Tear Gassing Us

For more information about apples, please read either books on horticulture and husbandry or Born A Crime by Trevor Noah and The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander. For a brief video on systemic racism, please watch author Kimberly Jones explaining how we got here. If you would like to donate to the DNAtured Apple Research fund, please send money to The Bail Project or Black Earth Farms.

After countless complaints that several apples on the apple force were brutalizing the very orchard they were sworn to protect, including extensive video evidence, DNAtured took to the front line of an anti-apple brutality protest to investigate whether “a few bad apples spoils the bunch.” Unfortunately, we cannot confirm or deny the presence or absence of bad apples, as, when we spotted our first apples, one apple said that they should pepper spray us, and then they did. 

Pepper spray really stings, so we had to take a hot minute and recover with some Pepsi and baking soda water, but we returned to the field just in time to see some peaceful protestors chanting “I can’t breathe.” We approached one apple, who didn’t look like a bad apple, but our interview with her was cut short when she shot rubber bullets at our entire team and then tear gassed our wounds. 

We were now pretty determined to find at least one good apple, though, so we dropped off our cameraman, who was bleeding from a rubber bullet to his eye, at a medical tent and moved on near some apples who appeared to be kneeling with protestors. Finally, some good apples! But then right after the apple’s cameraman got some good footage of the apples kneeling, those apples rushed to the medical tent and shot pepper balls at the medics, our cameraman, and also us.

After our attempts to single out the good apples failed, we took to the streets with peaceful protestors to try and figure out exactly who were the good apples. After asking several protesters about the locations of these elusive good apples, the protestors started to answer our questions with coughs, which is really rude during a pandemic, but, in their defence, some apples of undetermined goodness appear to have thrown canisters of tear gas into the crowd, so the protestors were having trouble talking. We tried asking the apples about this, but then they pepper balled us because we were talking to them. 

At the end of the day, we were unable to locate any good apples at the protest. The apple union said there were tons of good apples out that day, and maybe, if we hadn’t been blinded by pepper balls, tear gas, and rubber bullets, we could have seen that.

For more information about apples, please read either books on horticulture and husbandry or Born A Crime by Trevor Noah and The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander. For a brief video on systemic racism, please watch author Kimberly Jones explaining how we got here. If you would like to donate to the DNAtured Apple Research fund, please send money to The Bail Project or Black Earth Farms.

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