Scientists Question Theory Of Relativity After Student Skips Through Safety Protocol Slides Faster Than Speed Of Light

Kumar, J. et al

Quantum physicists across the globe are flocking to New Brunswick, New Jersey where first year Chemistry student Peter Mulaney has apparently raced through his laboratory’s safety protocol slides faster than light travel. The phenomenon was apparently achieved in the student’s dorm room, where the 19-year-old was able to break the theorized speed limit of the universe while reading through the 300 slides required for his Biochem 228 lab. 

“This is absolutely incredible,” said Dr. Bartholomew Briggins, a professor of quantum physics at Seton Hall University. “The reading material was estimated to take 4 hours to complete, and yet Peter said he finished it in ten minutes!”

The discovery was initially made by Peter’s professor, Dr. Alexis Reed, as she was reading through the Canvas site which tracks student time per assignment. 

“His popped out at me because of the record time completed,” explained Dr. Reed. “At first I suspected he must have cheated, but since he signed an academic honesty pledge at the beginning of the semester, I realized the only logical explanation was that he completed faster than light travel and contacted my friends at CERN immediately.”

An investigation launched by skeptical scientists verified Peter’s efforts, as Peter completed the required safety quiz and earned a respectable 68%, well above the department’s passing grade of 65%. 

“Well yeah, I guess that proves it,” said Peter, while appearing to delete the Chegg app from his phone. When questioned, he claimed that the move was “purely coincidental” and done only “to save memory on my phone.”

“Anyway,” Peter continued, pushing past reporters, “I really need to get to my lab.” 

At press time, scientists in the dorm had to be evacuated after a fire broke out in the adjacent freshman biochemistry lab.

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