Quantum Physicist Creates Super Colander To Strain Away Excess Particles

Ito, R. et al

In keeping with the current trend of “lean physics,” an experimental physicist has created what she calls a “super colander” to remove all the excess quarks from atoms. 

“Essentially, it works as an add-on to any basic super collider,” explained Lindsay Wendell, the quantum engineer who created the device, during a demonstration at her lab. “Think of it as an incredibly fine sieve that lets pesky small particles like quarks escape, while larger particles like electrons stick to the side. The result? A quark-free particle that may be a healthier alternative to super colliding.” 

“I guess you could also collect the quarks from the waste bin and study them, if you wanted,” added Wendell.

After a trial run at CERN, many are already seeing the benefits of the new invention. “We ran a few carbon atoms through it, and it’s really amazing!” said researcher Hilde Graffen. “It separates all the quarks from the hadrons, without losing any of the quark flavour we love. I don’t know how I made nuclear reactions without it!”

Despite the effectiveness of the colander, many feel the invention to be unnecessary to the field of particle physics. “I mean, it’s great if you don’t want to completely smash the atom.” Said Wendell’s college Ashton Liones. “But why would you ever want to do that? Half the fun of super colliding is the fat, big bang at the end. Personally, I like my test subjects with extra potential energy.”

 Despite the criticism, Wendell stands by her creation and is currently planning her next contribution to lean physics. Currently, she’s working on getting funding for her latest project which she would only describe as a “laser ladle.”

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Rob Ito

Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.

About Rob Ito 19 Articles
Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.