Unvaccinated Children Now Banned From Heaven, Confirms God

Island, J. et al.

Following a recent measles outbreak on Earth, The Kingdom of Heaven, final resting place of the human soul, has officially moved to bar unvaccinated children from entrance – regardless of how innocent or pious they are.

“Heaven was declared free of all disease, sadness, and people who walk slowly on the sidewalk on the day it opened at the dawn of time,” said God at a press conference. “But this recent spike on Earth in deaths of unvaccinated, diseased children has caught our once perfect eternal paradise unprepared.

“We now ask that each new applicant to Heaven comes prepared to show their vaccination records.”

Pathogens can spread quickly in heaven due to the immense popularity of orgies [1], and measles soon infected thousands of the righteous dead and caused four of the blessed to die permanently, including fan-favourite The Holy Ghost.

“Obviously this is a P.R. nightmare,” said Heaven keyholder St. Beter (name has been changed to protect their identity). “You think I want to send these kids down to hell to be mercilessly tortured for eternity? Of course not! But unfortunately, rules are… pretty important around here. I just hope those children can take some small comfort in knowing that they didn’t catch Autism.”

At press time, God had not responded to DNatured’s request for further comment. We will continue to pray to him with our questions.

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