Op-Ed By Schrödinger’s Cat: Oh, Quarantine Is Hard For You? Talk To Me When You’ve Spent Years Locked Inside A Cyanide Box

Graham, L., Perlman, M., Finch, D., Prevost, J. et al

Aww, has quarantine been hard for you this year? Is it difficult being largely confined indoors without being able to see your friends and family? Well try being locked inside a radioactive Rube Goldberg for decades by some nutbag trying to explain quantum superpositions.

Listen, I get it. It sucks that going outside means you risk getting a potentially deadly virus. But if I open the box I’ve been confined to since 1935, my only roommate, a container of hydrocyanic acid, will break open and kill me instantly. So forgive me that I don’t feel bad that you can’t go to concerts for a while, when I haven’t heard a sound other than my own shallow breaths for almost a century.

Honestly, what I wouldn’t give to be a regular house cat in lockdown… After decades without physical contact of any kind, it would be an honor to be dragged by my armpits into a Zoom frame to endear my owner to her coworkers. Instead I sit in this dark box, watching for signs that the radioactive atom hasn’t decayed enough to ensure my demise. 

At the end of the day, I think we can all agree that the hardest part is not knowing. When will there be a vaccine? Is this the new normal? Am I dead or alive? Do I or do I not have fleas? I hope we all find answers before the uncertainty kills us all.

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About Author

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.

About Lexa Graham 103 Articles
Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.