Something Big Just Happened In Science! Let Us Explain It In Insultingly Simplistic Metaphors So Your Tiny Baby Brain Will Understand

Gasparini, A., et al

Wow! A HUGE cool thing just happened in science! Given the fact that you, an idiot, are not a scientist, there’s not a chance your pea brain could ever truly understand. However, we are willing to try to educate (‘educate’ is another word for ‘teach’) you through a series of condescending comparisons. Of course, it won’t be the real science you’re understanding, just a severely dumbed down baby version of it, because you’re a widdle baby.

Ok, so recently they released a cool black and orange picture of a “black hole,” remember? Sorry, that’s probably much too complicated, so let’s start with this. You know the thing you see when you’re outside and you look up and it’s big and blue? That’s something experts call the “sky.” Sorry if this jargon gets a little difficult to follow, we are really doing our best to go as slow as possible so you can keep up. Ok so, if you have a ceiling in your house, then you can understand the “sky” as being the ceiling for the Earth. 

Here’s where it gets tricky. If you’ve ever looked into a steaming hot bowl of alphabet soup, you’ve probably seen little spaghetti letters floating around. In this metaphor, the little spaghetti letters are the stars and planets you see in the sky when it gets dark out, a phenomenon known to scientists as “nighttime.” There’s a chance you have a baby bedtime of 5 pm to match your baby brain so you’ve never experienced night, but it’s super fun and when people start doing cool things like drink alcohol. Alcohol is something grown ups do to feel good inside. Instead of the boobie juice you babies drink.

Anyway, scientists looked at the “sky” at “nighttime” and what they saw AMAZED them! The same way you’re amazed when someone disappears behind their hand (where did they go?!) and then reappears randomly and yells “PEEK-A-BOO”! Honestly, it’s not really worth it to explain to you what they saw because it’s clear you wouldn’t really understand but that it was awesome like how you find awesome whatever it is that tiny brains like yourself find awesome. 

So there you have it! Next time you want to read an article on science consider getting a PhD in astrophysics first.

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About Author

Allison Gasparini

Allison Gasparini is a science writer, a comedy writer, and a science comedy writer. Currently, you can find her being serious for science in Smore Magazine. You can find her being not-so-serious for Little Old Lady Comedy, The Belladonna, Points in Case, and more!

About Allison Gasparini 4 Articles
Allison Gasparini is a science writer, a comedy writer, and a science comedy writer. Currently, you can find her being serious for science in Smore Magazine. You can find her being not-so-serious for Little Old Lady Comedy, The Belladonna, Points in Case, and more!