Department Of Demonology Loses Funding After 5th Student Dragged To Hell

Ito, R. et al

Following an incident where a second-year demonology student was carried off to the underworld for the fifth time this year, McGill University has announced plans to cease all funding for the department entirely.

“After some consideration, the board has decided the risk to students and staff of having their astral souls devoured is too great to continue support for the department,” Said Vice-Dean Jean-Luc Wallis. “Especially considering the last development in the field is from the 1800s, when a new subspecies of imp was summoned in Yorkshire.”

Many students who were enrolled in programs in the department are unsure of what will happen with their studies following this news. “Right now, my class schedule is empty except for that online class on cursed videos.” Says third-year student Michelle Wan. “At this point, it might make more sense for me to change schools and get my Masters of Dark Arts somewhere else. Maybe I’ll take that exorcism school.”

Despite the history of possessions and hellfire outbreaks, the department’s faculty has been petitioning for the board to reconsider its stance. “Yes, maybe a kid doesn’t draw the pentacle right and ends up being tortured in Hell forever, but that’s why we need this facility.” Says Professor John Amadeus, who teaches Advanced Faustian Deals at the University. “Without guidance from experienced paranormal researchers, any minor attempt to spit in the face of god and summon a demon could turn into a major disaster.”

The board has assured that other programs at the School of Supernatural Sciences will continue as normal, including Cryptozoology, Advanced Ghostbusting and Writing for Haunted Television. At press time, a fair number of the student population is concerned they will no longer be able to sell their souls to demonology students in order for a passing grade.

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Rob Ito

Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.

About Rob Ito 20 Articles
Rob Ito is a Canadian satirist, comedian and writer. He has previously written for the Beaverton and appears in shows all around Toronto regularly. You can follow Rob on Twitter at @theFakeRobIto.