Graham, L. et al.
Local snake Simon Sasso recently shocked the entire serpentine community after arriving at the watering hole conspicuously flicking his new surgically fused tongue.
Sasso says that he has been into body modification for a few years, having two nostril piercings and large spacers in his ear vestiges, but always felt something was missing.
“Then I saw a picture of the dude from the band Whitesnake, and his tongue looked friggin’ wicked!” said Sasso. “That’s when I knew I had to get mine fused.”
Sasso says several surgeons refused to perform the procedure on him, citing evidence that forked tongues help snakes to better chemically identify their surroundings, though some were more professional than others.
He says one doctor told him “Ahhh! A snake! Holy shit there’s a fucking snake in my office! Diane! Di-Diane! Diane you need to call animal control right fucking now!” He is considering filing a discrimination lawsuit.
Sasso’s mother is not pleased with her son’s decision, and says he’s always had a weird fascination with mammalian features like fused tongues and breasts, and hopes that he stops before he permanently attaches arms and legs. She has also been taking flak from other mother snakes, who are worried their little snakelets will get caught up in the trend and have a harder time finding a respectable job.
Sasso says he feels great about his decision, and that his once-apprehensive girlfriend now “thoroughly enjoys” his “thick” new tongue.