Springer, D., Graham, L. et al.
Oganesson, an unstable radioactive element that decays in under one second, has been kicked off of the periodic table after other elements accused it of displaying a pattern of rash and unsettlingly disruptive behaviour.
“Oganesson was welcomed into the periodic table a few years ago on the condition that it would be able to coexist with other elements,” explained the periodic table’s alpha particle, Helium (He). “But it didn’t take long for it to start talking over other elements at meetings, stealing other elements’ electrons from the communal fridge, and disappearing the second someone needed to quantify its existence.”
Lithium (Li), president of the periodic table’s Metallic region, condemned Oganesson in a press conference. “I received several complaints from the lanthanides that Oganesson displayed a pattern of harassment, including unwanted advances on elements that were clearly involved in compounds with other elements.”
Oganesson has also been accused of trying to turn select elements against each other. “It’s an open secret that it told Carbon (C) that Oxygen (O) was trying to undermine it,” said one flammable gaseous element, who preferred to remain anonymous. “It would say things like ‘it’s clearly trying to hold you back. You should ditch it and see what you can really do without that dead weight.’ Really shady stuff.”
When asked for comment, Oganesson blamed its unstable tendencies on its weak binding energy, and accused Lithium of capitalizing on widespread depression in order to remain relevant, adding, “that loser would be nowhere if it wasn’t for that Nirvana song.”