Graham, L. et al
Scientists across the global snack-o-sphere are sounding the alarm about the depletion of earth’s most precious resource; scrumptious lil biscuits. The naming rights for this mass cookie extinction were bought by global food distributor United Biscuits , who have chosen to increase brand awareness by naming the crisis “Peak Frean.”
“When speaking on Peek Frean I always begin by asking “are cookies finite?” said leading cookie researcher/enjoyer Judy Gleepman, who’s interest in the topic began after some prick just up and cruised a whole fucking sleeve of her Fudgee-O’s .
“Modern cookie supply theory suggests Earth’s resources of Toll House, Ginger Snaps and even Nella wafers are dwindling rapidly and may not be replenished,” said Gleepman.
“Imagine a future where you’re telling your disbelieving child how we used to gleefully eat entire bowls of Cookie Crisp cereal, and then handing that child a Fig Newton. A. Fig. Newton! Because that’s all that will be left,” she added, tearfully.
“Within your lifetime, you will likely see Oreos costing upwards of ten dollars a gallon.”
Gleepman then rifled through a laboratory cupboard, throwing hordes of empty cookie packaging onto the floor, not a mass produced small, flat, sweet baked good to be found.