Cookie Scientists Warn We Could Be Approaching “Peak Frean”

Graham, L. et al.

Scientists across the global snack-o-sphere are sounding the alarm about the depletion of earth’s most precious resource; scrumptious lil biscuits. The naming rights for this mass cookie extinction were bought by global food distributor United Biscuits [1], who have chosen to increase brand awareness by naming the crisis “Peak Frean.”

“When speaking on Peek Frean I always begin by asking “are cookies finite?” said leading cookie researcher/enjoyer Judy Gleepman, who’s interest in the topic began after some prick just up and cruised a whole fucking sleeve of her Fudgee-O’s [2].

“Modern cookie supply theory suggests Earth’s resources of Toll House, Ginger Snaps and even Nella wafers are dwindling rapidly and may not be replenished,” said Gleepman.

“Imagine a future where you’re telling your disbelieving child how we used to gleefully eat entire bowls of Cookie Crisp cereal, and then handing that child a Fig Newton. A. Fig. Newton! Because that’s all that will be left,” she added, tearfully.

“Within your lifetime, you will likely see Oreos costing upwards of ten dollars a gallon.”

Gleepman then rifled through a laboratory cupboard, throwing hordes of empty cookie packaging onto the floor, not a mass produced small, flat, sweet baked good to be found.

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About Author

George Burgess

George Burgess is a writer and stand-up comedian in Toronto, Ontario. He can be heard on Sirius XM, has placed in or won many contests including but not limited to The Los Angeles Laugh Factory Stand Up Shot Contest 2017, Brampton One-Liner Competition 2017, and is a contributor to Funny Or Die. He can be seen performing all over mostly-Toronto and was recently nominated for Toronto’s Best Male Newcomer I Heart Jokes 2018 Award.

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of dnatured. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering.

About George Burgess 4 Articles
George Burgess is a writer and stand-up comedian in Toronto, Ontario. He can be heard on Sirius XM, has placed in or won many contests including but not limited to The Los Angeles Laugh Factory Stand Up Shot Contest 2017, Brampton One-Liner Competition 2017, and is a contributor to Funny Or Die. He can be seen performing all over mostly-Toronto and was recently nominated for Toronto’s Best Male Newcomer I Heart Jokes 2018 Award.