Springer, D., Graham, L. et al.
Researchers at M.I.T announced yesterday that the introduction of Gene therapy has completely rejuvenated Gene’s relationship with his mother Sharon.
“By modifying the area of Gene’s brain that controls empathy, we switched on Gene’s capacity to forgive his mother for the mistakes she has made as a parent, and stop blaming her for things that are not her fault,” said project leader Dr. Larissa Funk.
“We carefully spliced in feelings of self-worth, which seems to have stimulated Gene’s willingness to drive his mother to the farmer’s market on Saturday so she can pick up some turnips to serve with her pot roast at Uncle Art and Aunt Polly’s anniversary dinner.”
Gene, 42, called the procedure “amazing” and “a miracle of modern science.”
“By transplanting positive thoughts into my brain, Dr. Funk has renewed my sense that, while my mother should be held responsible for her habit of withholding affection, I should keep in mind that this is behaviour she learned from her own repressed parents,” explained Gene. “And it shouldn’t keep me from asking out the manager at Petland who gives me the ‘friend discount’ on kibble.”
Funk stated that her team’s next project will involve Gene regulation, which entails trying to “regulate” the number of times in a week that Gene consumes an entire large Papa John’s Meat Lovers pizza.