Springer, D. et al.
Fathers across the country announced today that the most effective way of treating depression is to snap out of it for Christ’s sake and not mope around all the time like your life is so damn terrible.
Dads everywhere took time out from reading the paper in front of a muted 24-hour news broadcast to announce that you have no reason to be sad given how good you have it here in in this country, you ingrate.
“I remember a time when, if you wanted to hear an album, you had to go to the record store and pay a bunch of money for it,” mused father John Marks while refusing his wife’s offer of suntan lotion. “Now you can listen to any music you want any time! What’s to be sad about?”
Christopher Marks, John’s son, says he previously tried to manage his depression with a Spotify subscription, but notes that so far only antidepressants have worked. Christopher would also like to point out that when his dad’s fishing trip was cancelled last year, it took the elder Marks three weeks to leave the house.
Gord Shaw, a national spokesman for repressed dads, says that on top of snapping the hell out of it, you can also nip depression in the bud by setting an attainable goal for yourself, like a six-figure salary or home ownership.
The nation’s mothers, meanwhile, wanted to know what kind of things you talk about in therapy, in a subtle attempt to deduce what exactly you’re saying about them.