Wow! This New Wellness Guru Successfully Removed A Cancer Patient’s Entire Savings

Graham, L. et al.

A company specializing in alternative medicine is turning heads after founder Lillian Conway successfully extracted a cancer-stricken woman’s entire savings after just three months. Conway’s company, Simple Co-Alternative Medicines (S.C.A.M.), claims this is the first known instance of a complete medical bankruptcy without the help of the American healthcare system [1]

“We pride ourselves on efficiency,” said Conway, a recent marketing graduate. “Because we don’t have to spend resources on costly things like research or FDA-approval, we are able to more effectively target the patient’s wealth than intrusive western medicines.”

While regular chemotherapy can cost mere thousands of dollars [2], leaving room for some of the patient’s wealth to be left behind and eventually grow back, S.C.A.M.’s patented Wellness Assessment carefully targets all assets so they may be drained completely.

“Our most popular treatment is the patented ChemoBerry Immune Blast, a blue healing tincture that goes down easy and costs just 25% of a patient’s net worth per dose,” explained Conway. “Most of our patients need just four treatments!” she boasted. 

Oncologists are warning patients that the hefty price tag may not correlate to effectiveness. “We sent it to the lab for analysis, and found that ChemoBerry Immune Blast is 99.96% Cool Blue Gatorade,” said oncologist Dr. Raymond Perett. “The other 0.04% was rat fur.”

Despite these concerns, some patients swear by Conway’s regimen.

“I felt like a completely different person after the treatment,” said Rosalita Travera, one of Conway’s first patients. “I was so worried about losing my house that I forgot I had cancer at all.”

Travera’s house was repossessed days after doctors told her that after her cancer spread to her lungs. Now destitute and searching for some money to afford chemotherapy, Travera says the company offered to chip in if she could recruit three other people from her cancer ward.

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About Author

Lexa Graham

Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.

About Lexa Graham 57 Articles
Lexa Graham is a comedian with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering, and the founder and editor of DNAtured Journal. She has previously written for Reductress, CBC Comedy and also had her research published in The Canadian Journal of Chemical Engineering. You can follow her on Twitter @LexaGrammar.