Gene Responsible For Cowardice Discovered Trembling At Side Of Petri Dish

Plattner, D. et al.

In a breakthrough for genetics and human behavior, scientists at Cornell University recently discovered the gene responsible for cowardice trembling in terror at the side of a Petri dish [1].

Isolating the source of pure human gutlessness began when researchers noticed a gene shoving aside nearby strands of DNA in an attempt to save itself from a routine experiment.

The genetic code also showed absolutely no sense of bravery when encountering the briefest moment of danger. Instead, the gene booked it for the corner of the Petri dish and even refused to help shelter a desperate allele, even though it had plenty of space and wouldn’t have required any sacrifice on its own part.

Curiously, the cowardice gene is not isolated to simple emotions of fear or flight, but will also take upon itself to defend its pathetic actions in the name of self-importance, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary [2].

The cowardice gene was also found to be capable of blaming other genes for its own failings, specifically deriding the sympathy gene as foolhardy and stupid.

Although the cowardice gene prefers to keep to itself, scientists say they have found instances where it will form a brief attachment to the gene that causes some people to vomit when faced with the slightest tinge of social anxiety.

Scientists have planned further experiments to learn about the cowardice gene, but are so far having trouble coaxing it into a pipette.

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Don Plattner

Don Plattner is a Sci Fi and Comedy writer who has contributed to The Onion’s ClickHole publication.

About Don Plattner 1 Article
Don Plattner is a Sci Fi and Comedy writer who has contributed to The Onion’s ClickHole publication.