Quarantined Professor Gets Grad Students To Feed His Pet Theory

Burgess, G., Kaplan, J., Conchord, F., Graham, L. et al

Professor Earl Foreman, who has been on away on quarantine for the past few weeks, recently asked a few grad students if they wouldn’t mind stopping by his Google Document regularly to feed his pet theory.

Professor Foreman, who calls his pet “Theo,” for short, says caring for him is easy so long as you follow some simple instructions. “Theo appreciates getting complimented for his novelty three times a day and should be fed with the fortified ego-boosters only years of subservience can buy.”

But be careful about complicating the feeding process. “Theo only eats things that are easy to digest. Nothing too complicated or esoteric; that makes his tummy hurt.”

Apart from his idea feedings, professor Foreman also asks grad students to give Theo some proper exercise, even when that proves difficult.

“Though Theo can sometimes seem very focused, he’s actually just roaming around without any guidance and getting lost. Try to keep him on the right track before he veers off into another tangent.”

Get access to more dnatured

Support George Burgess on Patreon and get more dnatured perks starting from just $1.00

About Author

George Burgess

George Burgess is a writer and stand-up comedian in Toronto, Ontario. He can be heard on Sirius XM, has placed in or won many contests including but not limited to The Los Angeles Laugh Factory Stand Up Shot Contest 2017, Brampton One-Liner Competition 2017, and is a contributor to Funny Or Die. He can be seen performing all over mostly-Toronto and was recently nominated for Toronto’s Best Male Newcomer I Heart Jokes 2018 Award.

Fragnance Conchord

Fragnance Conchord is a day-time scientist pursuing comedy as a side-gig. Fragnance has written for Robotbutt, Blaffo and recently contributed to the book "Welcome To The Future Which Is Mine" by Not Elon Musk. Twitter: @FConchord

Justin Kaplan

Justin Kaplan is a writer and recovering researcher based in Boston. His words have appeared in The Atlantic, WBUR—Boston's NPR News Station, and academic journals you've probably never heard of. Justin is also editor-in-chief of The Boston Accent, a wicked serious satire publication.

About George Burgess 6 Articles
George Burgess is a writer and stand-up comedian in Toronto, Ontario. He can be heard on Sirius XM, has placed in or won many contests including but not limited to The Los Angeles Laugh Factory Stand Up Shot Contest 2017, Brampton One-Liner Competition 2017, and is a contributor to Funny Or Die. He can be seen performing all over mostly-Toronto and was recently nominated for Toronto’s Best Male Newcomer I Heart Jokes 2018 Award.