Scientists Confirm ‘We Have No Goddamn Idea’ Whether Chocolate Is Good Or Bad For You

Irving, T., Graham, L. et al.

A meta-analysis of more than 1,500 peer-reviewed research articles examining the health effects of chocolate consumption has concluded that scientists have “no fucking clue” what is going on.

Study authors examined decades worth of research showing that chocolate may raise — or, equally as plausibly, lower — the risks of every single human disease, condition, and ouchie.

They also looked at studies that may or may not indicate links between chocolate consumption and obesity, gum disease, and libertarianism.

“Seriously, it’s a total crap shoot,” said Meghan Krajewski, a dietary epidemiologist and lead author of the study. “It might extend your life, or it might kill you. If I had to sum the state of the field up one word, it would be:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”

“Watch this,” said Krajewski, who opened a nearby window and loudly shouted “chocolate improves brain function!” Immediately, her phone began to light up with notifications about tweets and articles quoting her “findings.”

“Honestly can’t we just for once admit that we’re stumped and move on to something more productive?”

As of press time, Krajewski and her team were preparing to embark on a long-term study of the human health effects of going absolutely buckwild on red wine and coffee.

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