Healthy Diet Linked To 100% Of Painfully Long And Joyless Lifespans

Springer, D. et al.

A new study from Johns Hopkins University has concluded that a healthy diet is a main contributing factor in 100% of long, achingly dull lives free of any fun, indulgence or frivolity [1].

“In cases where people have lived past the age of eighty without experiencing any excitement, pleasure, or even sensations beyond smug superiority,” explained head researcher Tara Shewfelt, “we’ve found that they’ve avoided all trans fats, refined sugar, alcohol, drugs, and celebration of any kind.”

Conversely, added Shewfelt, those who indulged on a semi-regular basis in sugary, salty, fried, or processed foods routinely experience shorter life spans marked by disease [2] and, in some cases, an intimate knowledge of how rapturous it feels to have butter melt on your tongue while sitting with your lover on the beach on a hot Saturday in June [3].

“If you want the satisfaction of having outlived virtually all of your friends and family,” Shewfelt continued, “be sure to eat only fruit, vegetables, nuts, leafy greens and water.”

“But, if you indulge in less healthy foods a couple times a week, you run the risk of only living to your seventies, having sucked dry the delicious marrow from the bones of existence.” 

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Darren Springer

Darren Springer is a writer living in Toronto who has been published in Splitsider, CBC Comedy, and bite.ca. He can also be found at darrendspringer.bandcamp.com

About Darren Springer 15 Articles
Darren Springer is a writer living in Toronto who has been published in Splitsider, CBC Comedy, and bite.ca. He can also be found at darrendspringer.bandcamp.com